Ronaldo Needs to take boat back to UK

Sir Alex Ferguson is apparently furious with his coveted Portugese winkers filirtations with the spanish giants Real Madrid, so much so he has used his connections to derail the Portugeesers holiday plans. Reliable sources close to the Manchester supremo confided under strict anonymity for fear of inviting the hair dryer that old red nose has asked all air lines to cancell the Portugeesers flight tickets. Ronaldo was last seen at a travel agent in Austria trying desperately to charter a flight. The only option he has been given is to take a ferry that takes two weeks to get to gllomy Manchester effectively rendering his holiday a sardine fested one. The name of the ferry?  The pride of Manchester.

 

San Siro Rocks!

It’s been a while folks, I finally had the chance to visit the San Siro and here’s  a review of the Inter game w/Messina . San Siro by the way is the home ground of Inter Milan one of the top footie clubs in Italy.

 Getting to the stadium itself was a breezer, the trams are clearly numbered and if you had passed the local O/L’s  you can’t go wrong. If not all you had to do was find a Sri Lankan and ask and the lads are very helpful and are every where! YAY!!!

The staidum itself is something else, Inter were playin Messina which is the quivalent of Manu playing Watford. So  I expected a half empty or like big Steve w/the white teeth says half full. 

As the match started the Inter supporters started flooding in and boy it was some match to watch. The atmosphere was uneblievable, the chants were deafeening and I had to keep looking back to make sure the buggers seated on the ralingings didnt come crashin down. Every time Ibrahimovitch got the ball the crowd went crazy. 

 I have some pics, which I would upload later on..

 So here’s the lowdown on how the boys at Inter did:

 1. Figo - definetely past his sell by date, looked jaded and struggled to control the passes.

2. Ole boy Patric V from Pizza throwin fame - the ex gunners captain looked sharp and went for every ball. You cant help think Wenger sold him a tad too early.

3. Ibrahimovitch  - Always looked threatening and played some good through balls in. Scored a clean goal and was an ever present.

4. Last not least “MATERAZZI” - Who can forget ole Mat from head butt fame from the world cup. He maybe loathed in France but if his goal is anything to go by he is still a star at Inter. Man - he scored an awesome scissor kick or as we call it a bicycle kick!

 2-0 to Innter w/20 more minutes to go, it was always going to a be abad idea to stay till the last minute so had to jet.

Next to the Haj - now i seriously want to make it to Old Trafford before Fergie retires. if Inter with 45,000 was rocking I cant even imagin how the theater of dreams would be with 76,000 people!

Once I got out managed to pick some Inter memeorabilia for my bro and headed to the tram stop.  I was carrying two huge Inter flags w/the pole and all. Suddenly the dude next to me taps me on the shoulder and says something that sounded like”

 He “ Wahtfuck inter?”

 Me - thinking damn this is a Messina fan and I might get beans now, keepin quiet.

He” wahtfuck inetr? slightly annoyed at my silence.

Me - Damn, bad show…keeping still and quiet

He was agitated by now and I was thinking whether I should throw a punch back if attacked? for all you know the entire Tram was full of Messina boys…

He starts flippin…(I am bracin myself now)

He starts makin something that looked like a circle, flippin and asked again”whatfuk inter? By now the dude was clearly annoyed and I did mention again i dont speak Italain.

Seeing the racket at the back one bloke comes runnin towards and me and I thought ok this is it. He comes upto me and says in clear English “he just wants to know the score!!!!!!”

damn - he was flippin to ask whether it was 1 and making zero’s to ask whether nil! How was I supposed to know!!!

 Anyway relieved I tell the mafiaso it was 2-0 to Inter and all hell broke loose. The buggers were screamin there heads off and kissin each other ( I managed to escape this friendly ritual).

So you can say I had an eventful trip and back.

ciao!

 

Simple Plan - Badly Executed!

As most of you know Bally’s club in good ole SL does not welcome it’s citizen’s i.e. Sri Lankan’s. Apparently we are not deserving of the red carpet.How they decided on this still beats me considering half of the population in there is full of Chinese whores!! 

So we had this buyer who was at Bally’s and had no way of contacting him, me and my colleague MO decided to get in pretending to be Indian’s. So up we went to the entrance and this is how it went: 

Bouncer    : Are you from Sri Lanka?

Me           : No, we arrr from Indiar

Bouncer: Can I see your passport?

Me          : Surry we lucked it up in safe at the Galadarrri (Now we all know that’s where most Indian tourists go)

Bouncer: Thank-you sir, welcome to Bally’s (I am through!) 

Bigger bouncer: Where are you from sir?

MO                  : We arrr from Sri Lanka 

Out!!! That was the end, we got kicked out!!

 

Totalled? Not Quite!

September 26^th 2003, a day to remember for more reasons than one. Actually make it three. Being the Eid festival day and that being a work day for me, I finally managed to convince my folks I should and could drive back from Kandy. As part of the deal I agreed to take someone with me, my parents were happy the village bully and self proclaimed Taekwando champion was joining me. I had to drop the dude over at Browns beach in Negombo and that for me was a small price to pay to get back to Colombo. 

I had been driving for four months, the 2L GXE Primera I owned at that time was pretty quick, at 150HP stock that car was you could say a lot of fun to drive for someone who didn’t have much experience.

So off we went, left Kandy around 09:00 pm and as most people do from outstations wounded up a Prado boy. Now if there is anything bigger than the engines these boys had it was their ego. So the theory was to find someone who thought I was trying to race em and get back and keep trailing him, this way he does all the blinking and lowing the beams when the countless morons on the Kandy road keep coming head on with their headlights on. Made driving less stressful. 

My addiction to cigarettes and plain tea’s have cost me big over the years and this day would prove to be one of the worst, cruising at aprx 140km’s we reached Warakapola in no time. Just before the usual pit stop for smokes I made sure to over take the pajero- smashing the geer down to third and take him down with a roar (thanks to the custom exhaust my brother had fitted) just to prove a point  

He was a good sport and actually waved at me! Anyways after the customary tea and two smokes me and the black belt were back on the road. 

I couldn’t be bothered trailing now and we started hammering away, I have taken the
Kandy road a zillion times and know most of the turns and cautions but somehowI had managed to travel from Warakapola to Weveldeniya in low beams and when I realized this and put the high beams on, shit! right before me about 50 mts away was 90 digree uphill turn. In rally terms should have been a triple caution slow right!!! 

I thought I will downshift my way and power out of the corner. My black belt friend however thought otherwise, screaming “oh god”  “oh god” he was almost on my seat trying to cling onto me ( to this day I don’t know what he was trying to do!) I thought he was trying to strangle me for trying to kill him. If I missed the corner we were looking at 150 feet down, nice free fall for Bunjee jumping. Any courage I had, any plans I had instantly gave way to fear and chaos. No way we could brake all that way and if I rememeber right my pads were wasted too! 

Slammed the brakes, turned the steering to the right and pulled the handbrake (not by skill but due to fear and not knowing what else to do). The next 30 seconds is something I can not remember. Thud – We had landed, I was on the right shoulder of the road and into a ditch. Luckily we had buckled up so the big cry baby and I were in one piece, I immediately got down to check the damage and guess what folks that was my lucky day or that’s what I thought….. 

The front buffer was smashed, the side skirts were scratched and that’s all. Not bad eh? 

I tried reversing out, no luck. The front wheels were jammed. Being a bit stressed out we decided to have a smoke and I must admit we attracted a hell of a lot of attention. I kept pointing at black belt to indicate he was the driver ;-)) Villagers came running and people passing stopped to ask whether they could help. There were two vans however that grabbed my attention, full of guys who were cocked out of their brains they slowly started getting out and yes lifting the car!! I hadn’t so much as asked but the good Samaritans helped to lift it and they also made it a point to place it facing Kandy on the shoulder of the road dead straight! I thanked them profusely and as aclho does to some people, they professed the love for their malli (brother) over and over and wanted to know whether I needed help to drive back. Thanking them I said I am good. 

Seeing the crowd gather an off duty policeman stopped by to help, advising me of the dangers of driving fast the OIC was about to take off when “screeeeeeeeeeech and bang”  of all things on the road a 7 SRI Ford way passed the sell by date and what looked like something destined for the junkyards lost control in the same fashion and smashed nose first into the rear door of my car. What a night…

Suddenly people were screaming and then only we realized the moron had run over two of the innocent villagers who had stopped by to help me. They were screaming in pain and by now the village thagayas were crying murder. For once I thought they were gonna torch my ride and everything next to it. The officer took charge and thundered no one be touched and he made me drive the injured to the Negombo hospital. That ride was the longest I have taken to complete 15kms, slow and still shivering I drove them to the hospital. That done we went to the cop shed where the good copper let me off the hook, he basically wrote something like this on the entry “I had stopped for a smoke on the way to Kandy (remember car was pointing that way) and as laws require had left my park lights on when the Ford banged into me. Nice. (I found out later that the Ford didn’t even have a handbrakes or lights, when I left for the hospital the villagers had to go running behind it and stop it from rolling down the road towards oncoming traffic and that’s why the copper was cheesed off with these boys) 

Relieved and some six hours later from the time I left home we headed towards Negombo. I promised myself that I wouldn’t do more than 40kms, 40 became 50 and 50 became 60 and that became 70. Anxious for a smoke and some tea, we were on the look out. Since the brothers had all closed shop for the festival not a single place was open. Damn!! 

Just before the turn off to the airport, I heard a loud bang. What now – hoping I hadn’t hit a cyclist I got off. The fog lights were dangling and the front buffer properly wrecked.It seems I had hit a dog. Just my day, I got in and told the Black belt who now seemed to be in some sort of a trance I am crashing with him, no way I could drive back as I was knackered. 

5 minutes and 10 kms later another loud bang and what seemed like a quack, I was too exhausted to stop and I knew for sure it was not a human. I went staright to my friends quarters and hit the sack. I needed the sleep! 

Next morning I woke up to see what was left of my car, the two fogs that were dangling were missing. Front buffer grazing the ground and the mud flaps had come off too! 

Rear door was smashed and so was the boot lid and the lights on the left side. Not a pretty sight, get this – feathers of what was once part of a duck all over the vehicle.You would have thought I was into poultry!! 

That tea sure cost me a lot, 150G’s to be precise. Then there is the instance of the cuppa costing me my ribs but that’s not for the blog! 

As for me I made the mistake of narrating this to my friends and folks at work, even if I am the only one sober I don’t get to drive anymore !! And oh – when I went to collect the entry, the good OIC was laughing when he heard what had happened the previous day only to get annoyed that I didn’t stop to pick the duck up for him!

 

Gang Fights, Robbers And Wet Dreams ( I reckon!)

One lonely night ( I mean my folks were out and I was stayin by myself) I reached home at about 1:00 am after work, having paid the cabbie I heard someone screaming “Kowdha Enawa, Enawa” now for all you suddhas and wanna be suddhas that means “ someone’s coming, coming”.

I looked at the cabbie who was still doing the math for the change and he nodded saying he heard the same words. Now the irony is Alfaq had a lil scuffle with one of the bad boys over a trivial matter about a week ago. Kyokushin came in handy and the big bad wolf was on his knees, now Sri lanka being Sri lanka I was thinking maybe they had come to settle a score….that certainly was a possibility. These wolves were bad in that they were connected.

Right next to my gate there is this loud dog, for the two years I’ve been around the bugger barks his guts out night or day whenever he sees me.

On that night, not a sound…I must admit I was a bit worried. Since the cabbie will not so much as come closer to the gate, I could not check the whole house by myself thoroughly.I still thought I will do a quick run armed with a knife…that was the hardest part, I could not find anything that could hurt anybody…rummaging through the kitchen finally found a blunt as ever knife and checked the rooms downstairs and upstairs…nothing. Still not a 110% sure since if someone was around, since it's easy to move around from floor to floor while I was doing the rounds checking each of the rooms I decided to call the coppers.

Dialed the emergency number on the cell, ringining, ringing and 10 minutes later still ringining. That was a lot of help!

Called the HQ **(See abrevs post) for back-up and they were ready to come, but I did feel bad as I had already taxed the buggers a few times already…and besides they all had jobs and some were married so did not want them to get into too much shit.

You never know, there is a special operations jeep down my road everyday, it could have been one of the drug addicts from the area…further down my road the homies are not exactly the type you would Sushi with. For a cigarette they could easily thrash the shit out of you..yeah bigger badder wolves.

Last resort I called another taxi company I’ve been using for ages that had its base close to my place, the base manager there was a soft spoken good natured guy called
Well lets call him “Kula”. I explained the situ and the man volunteered to come himself! I waited and waited, a good 10 minutes later the dog started barking..I was not too sure whether that was good news or bad news…I looked thru the door view couldn’t see jack and besides I did not hear a vehicle driving up.

I called out for “Mr Kula” no answer, maybe it was stupid but I don’t know I just did it. Opened the bloody door.

Infront of me was easily 200LBS in a black shirt and black pants, hair flowing down to the shoulder and his head nearly touching the top of my gate. I must say I shat bricks and whatever else I used to suffer and constipate with..I know I couldn’t have so much as hurt him with any knife leave alone the blunt knife. I was about to pull it cuase that’s all I had when he called out “Hello Mr xxxx” now that’s the familiar voice of the gentlemently sounding Kula, I had no frikkin idea he was such a huge guy and that voice and body just don’t go together. I didn’t know what to do….I knew any robbers lurking would have fled seeing the big man, grateful I thanked him profusely for coming hid the blunt knife and while he was keeping watch at the door did a thorough check. Nothing!

That sorted went for a tea and ciggie with Kula and he dropped me back, needed the smoke real bad!!

Still not convinced there was nothing, I thought maybe my neighbours got robbed. What would they say tomorrow if they had been robbed and I knew something and didn’t wake them?? So I decided to wake them up. The lady of the house beady eyed comes to the gate asking who and I identified myself and explained that I reckoned there were robbers around and me and the cabbie had heard em.

To my amazement, her face turned red and mumbling she said “Son I am sooo sorry, my husband had a very bad dream and he was screaming his head off”!!!

What an awesome dream!! Scared the living daylights out of me, and nearly had the coppers in the neighborhood!! I was too sleepy and tired to get annoyed but I am still not sure whether she said "had a wet dream and said coming coming??" Possible right!!

 

Phones and me

Well see I have this knack for loosing things and breaking things! I have lost no less than four mobile phones w/in the last 12 months. I think the thieves have ear marked me for phone robberies, thats possible right?

My good friend Mo has this to say after the latest loss & quote "Have you ever considered a phone implant? Might be actually cheaper in the long run!!!

God in his infinite wisdom, when creating mankind did not give us detachable parts. Else now you will be walking around looking for your head!!!!! " unquote

Maybe I should take the implant option?